Current mood: accomplished
Current music: Old 97s, Up the Devil's Pay

Good lord. So much has happened over the last week...

1. I got my financial aid reward letter on Friday, after a grueling 10 hour day of exams. Like the unemployment-bound idiot I am, I read the letter wrong and there was much ado about nothing. For some reason, I misread the letter and thought I was getting enough money to go on the trip (wishful thinking, I guess). Six hours later, I reread the letter and realized there wasn't any money for Russia. I don't know what's wrong with me - these letters have been disappointing me for the last four years; I don't know why I thought this would be any different. Oh, well.

2. But then... today, I got a letter saying that I won the Laird Essay Contest, sponsored by the REES department. I actually won! Oh my dear lord. But I've been so worried I read THAT wrong, I just can't seem to let myself be excited about it. Even though the letter actually says "Dear Lindsey, Congrats, blah blah blah..." I didn't expect to win at all - AND I beat out all the master's and doctoral students who entered. The worst part is that I have to lecture for an hour on the stupid paper on May 6. I can't do that! Those people are so much smarter than I, and I clam up in front of intimidating strangers. Oy! So, basically, I'm going to tell them all the truth: that I didn't know anything about the topic until a week before the deadline, did some research, wrote it in 4 hours the night before the deadline with the assistance of 2 Red Bulls, and had a hard time deciding if I even wanted to do it at all, since it was midterms week. That will be said AFTER they hand me the check, though.

3. Maura was so excited about the essay contest that she offered to match my scholarship money and cosign a loan (for Adrienne's airfare) so we could go to Petersburg after all! She said that she felt so bad for me about the award letter "misread" this weekend (see #1 - I'm such an idiot) that she wanted to give me money, but she felt like she needed a good reason. Or I needed to do something to deserve it or... I'm not sure, actually.

So, I can't study there this summer, but I can go for 1-2 weeks and not have to go to class at all. I really don't see how I'm losing here. It's the tricentennial celebration and my best friend will be there with me! I'm going to wait to study at the University of St. Petersburg until the summer after next, when I will be eligible for a FLAS. Free money is always worth waiting for.

I sent Mom at least 501 sad emails over the weekend because of Friday's letter fiasco, and of course she assumed that because I was melancholy and disappointed, I must be suicidal or something. Not the case. Sad and feeling pretty stupid, but not suicidal. She kept telling me to pray, and I kept telling her that I don't feel right being one of those people who only talks to God when they want something (*cough cough DAD cough cough*).

But today, Mom is so happy; she said she was going to make sure they put an announcement in our hometown newspaper, and our old neighbors emailed earlier to congratulate me. This is the second award I've gotten since freshman year, and my mommy loves it when I get my learn on.

But honestly... I'm proud of me, too. And I'm gonna party in Russia with my best friend!!!!!!!!!!!

It's not a war on TERRORISM, it's a war on personal freedom, keep that in mind at all times...

Current mood: blank
Current music: ... Third Eye ...

"... a 60 year old retired phone operator guy [was] working out in a health club. And, it was soon after the bombing started in Afghanistan, he's talking to the guys at the health club about the war, the bombing, oil, and the Bush family. He goes home, gets a knock on the door. Two FBI agents: 'We hear you were talking at the health club.' So he starts talking to them and at a certain point they say, 'Well we know you have a right to freedom of speech, but we have to write a report on you.' And at that point he says, 'Thank you, I have nothing else to say,' and he calls us. People have been visited by FBI agents for having 'un-American' material in their house, which included a poster of George W. Bush and the death penalty in Texas. Prison activists, certainly Middle East activists, Cuba Solidarity activists... what I say is it's not a war against terrorism, it's a war against dissent and that's what we're looking at." [editor's note: I can't remember where I got this from, so take it with the proverbial grain of salt]

So... good job on Baghdad, guys. It's ALL yours. But where's Saddam?

Forgive my impertinence... but where is Bin Laden, for that matter?

This is all starting to look, more and more, like an excuse to undermine the Constitution and strengthen our post-9/11 dominant executive branch.

But I think what pisses me off the most is the "information vacuum" in the American media, the assertion that patriotism supercedes personal opinion, and... OIL. I don't have a car. I don't want one. I'm moving to Siberia, where at least the air is still clear.

http://www.iraqwar.ru

The days are slowly getting longer. I love watching the sky and its subtle changes throughout the course of the calendar year... it's as close as I can get to observing the rotation of the earth. This is as close as I'll ever be to becoming an astronaut.

Current mood: hopeful
Current music: TooL, Jimmy

I am now on my 4th day of being a semi/nonsmoker. I have to say, I've never felt better. Yesterday morning, I started coughing uncontrollably and haven't stopped since, but it doesn't hurt. It kind of feels like my lungs are trying to repair themselves by hacking out all the accumulated tar scum. Now, I haven't quit COMPLETELY - I have to be honest. I have had, on average, about 5-8 drags off my sister's cigarette at the end of each day. But 5 drags compared to 30 whole cigarettes is quite an accomplishment for me, the girl with no willpower.

On a different subject, I got my acceptance letter for the Petersburg trip on Monday. I should get my financial aid award letter next week. OH PLEASE OH PLEASE Uncle Sam... gimme some sugar! I desperately want to go, but there's just no way I can afford it without a ton of student loans. Even with the money I've saved, it's just not enough.

I would sell my soul to get to Russia this summer, but no one's buying.

I quit smoking!

*pause*

Yup, I sure did. I've never tried to quit before, and I always told myself that when I quit, that would be the end of it - none of this quitting, smoking, quitting again, smoking, quitting some more - like Dad and everyone else I know. Unfortunately, I doubt that I have more willpower than the next nicotine fiend, so we'll see how this goes.

After 6 years, Mr. Cigarette, I shall miss you.

My roommate Sarah says I'm the perkiest quitter she's ever seen.