a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food

Silentium*

Молчи, скрывайся и таи
И чувства и мечты свои -
Пускай в душевной глубине
Встают и заходят оне
Безмолвно, как звезды в ночи, -
Любуйся ими - и молчи.
Как сердцу высказать себя?
Другому как понять тебя?
Поймет ли он, чем ты живешь?
Мысль изреченная есть ложь.
Взрывая, возмутишь ключи, -
Питайся ими - и молчи.
Лишь жить в себе самом умей -
Есть целый мир в душе твоей
Таинственно-волшебных дум;
Их оглушит наружный шум,
Дневные разгонят лучи, -
Внимай их пенью и молчи!...

-Фёдор Ива́нович Тю́тчев

dental woes

Current mood:

bouncy

I just brushed my teeth and, to my ultimate chagrin, a chunk of one of my back molars fell out. I looked in my mouth and discovered that I have ANOTHER huge cavity. The problem is, I have no dental insurance so I can't go to a dentist here. So I have to call the Douglas County Health Clinic asap to try to schedule an appointment for cleaning/filling for the next time I'll be in Kansas before Moscow (the week of August 15-19).

This is going to cost me at least $200, which is spectacular; but then again, it might not cost me anything because they may not have any open appointments during that week, and I also might not be able to pay for said appointment. WTF??? I just had my cavities filled last October, and my back molar is already rotting away? Seriously, I don't know how I didn't notice it before. The whole side of the tooth is black, and once again I am freaked out about blowing people away with tooth-rot halitosis. Just the other day, I was thinking to myself, "I'm so glad I got my cavities filled so that I don't have to worry about rotting teeth." It's almost as if I cursed myself! I brush regularly so where is all this tooth rot coming from?

Other than that, everything is fantastic. My literature professor loves me - we eat together almost every meal, and my grammar professor is beginning to realize that I'm not a complete moron, I just haven't been in a grammar class for over 3 years so of course I've forgotten everything. You know how, when you turn in a paper written in a foreign language, it's always covered in a sea of red ink when the teacher returns it to you? Well, the last couple papers I've written have come back with maybe one or two corrections. It's beautiful! This morning in my literature class the professor made us read our papers aloud, and when I finished mine she started talking about how it was absolutely perfect, totally professional, and how everyone needed to write like me. She then proceeded to reiterate this statement throughout class, and then at the end of class made everyone else keep their papers so they could redo them before our next class meeting. Uh... not cool. Now everyone in the class is looking at me like, "Ok, Corky over there is so 'special' that whenever she tries to speak Russian, actual chunks of human excrement fall out of her mouth, but when she writes she becomes the golden child?!" They hated me, but got over it.

I needed a little validation after the last week of hell! BUT, in the very next class, my grammar teacher handed me back a homework assignment that had absolutely no comment on it, just a message on the back saying that I had enormous problems with syntax and I needed to meet with her privately that afternoon. I don't understand! How can I write a quasi-perfect paper, but forget to include a goddamn subject to my predicate in the grammar homework? I'm getting mixed messages here!

OH MY GOD I can't believe my tooth is rotting out! Somebody get me a new set of teeth! Tapdancing Christ on a pogo stick! (I've had a lot of caffeine today, can you tell?)

trials, tribulations, and the systematic extermination of caterpillars

Current mood:

crazy

Things have been surprisingly good here, except that there are caterpillars everywhere. It's like some sort of plague has descended on Vermont! I put my hand on a guardrail and accidentally smashed one, which was gross, and then one fell out of a tree and landed on my head; which was embarrassing, because I screamed like a little girl. We went to sit under a tree and noticed that the entire trunk was crawling with caterpillars. They were involved in some sort of cattypillar deathmatch fight, and they were wiggling their bottom/top halves around at the speed of light. It was bizarre. In a few weeks the air will be filled with butterflies, but for now the ground is littered with the corpses of those eliminated by natural selection. We can all learn a lesson from the caterpillars, I think. What lesson that is, I'm not sure... but enough about the caterpillars.

I'm seriously tired of tests. We've had over twice as many exams as classes, and this morning we had THREE. Overall, though, the workload is pretty reasonable. Now that I don't have to work 2 jobs (please ignore how easy they both were), and my only job is school... life is pretty fantastic. I did, however, have a breakdown after lunch today. I don't know exactly why; I'd been feeling shitty all morning and then after lunch I came home, threw myself on the bed, and had a nice melodramatic sobfest. But my inner monologue o' self pity was in Russian! If that's not linguistic progress, then I don't know what is.

how apt

Current mood:

in awe of astrology

Gemini Weekly:

"Monday and Tuesday aren't your best days for communication. That doesn't mean you need to avoid talking; it just means you'll have to go the extra mile to make sure you speak clearly and that people understand what you're saying."

Current mood:	complacent
Current music:	more of the oscillating fan

My dad is my hero. He pulled together an amazing amount of money and wired it to my bank account so that I got it almost immediately. No checks bounced! Hooray! He's also got enough money saved to buy me a plane ticket from Vermont to KS; now I just need a plane ticket from KS to NYC at the end of August. My airfare to Moscow from NYC and back is covered, I just have to get there.

It's been raining heavily for about 20 hours now - a nice respite from the heat. Everyone in Kansas was all, "Oh, Vermont will be so nice in the summer!" Sarah studied here a couple of summers ago as an undergrad and she said that the summers are miserably hot and humid, so of course I'm totally stoked.

I just finished my 5th test since arriving here. I have had over twice as many tests than classes thus far! The classes aren't too bad; I dropped a level as a result of my oral exam, but I'm going to talk to my teachers on Thursday about moving up to level 7 after our test on Friday. That will give me 2 weeks before trying to test into the grad level. I actually think I may be able to do it, even if I don't get bumped up to level 7 this week.

The classes are ridiculous - 4 hours straight, with no break. I made the entire class burst out laughing with a sage comment on Michael Jackson, which was phrased impeccably in the manner of the lesson we'd just finished. I felt very clever at the time: I made a joke in Russian, guys! It's nice because I'm not afraid of speaking in class. It's a very supportive atmosphere; everyone's screwing up left and right, so no one can throw stones and we just try to help each other out. There's a whole lot of sign language, wild gestures, inventive cognates, and unintelligible monkey-like grunts.

I'm impressed with my Russian - don't get me wrong, it's still really bad. But Sarah and Steve and I are still able to talk about almost anything; granted, it's stunted and sometimes quite painful, but 98% of the time we manage to get our points across. I feel really lucky to have them, not just friends out of convenience but people I would actually hang out with outside of this experience. There are a lot of other really nice people, and the kids in my class are also fun. There's a little head-shaven lesbian, a jolly gay man from Leawood KS, and the tiniest, horniest Venezuelan ever.

Classes really aren't that bad, honestly. I know the grad courses will be tough and I plan on auditing at least two, but so far, so good. They said they'd go easy on us yesterday with homework because of these stupid tests, but I spent over 5 hours last night doing homework. And guess what? Tonight, it might take me around 2 hours to get it done. Now that the tests are over (for 2 days at least) they decide to assign LESS homework, when we actually have more time to complete it? But I'm not complaining, don't get me wrong...

a letter from my bestest friend

"Thanks for being you. I was kind of disappointed that I didn't get to make a speech at your goodbye party -- I had one all mapped out. But as it turned out, Kate and I got too drunk to make it happen. We figure it was your fault as we'd spent most of the day frantically trying to pull shit together and didn't have time to eat. I'm going to tell you about my speech because it's important and I don't know if I've told you this.

My speech was going to be about firsts. See, I was with you during a lot of your firsts. I was with you the first time you spoke Russian, the first time you saw the ocean or went parasailing, the first time you got bailed out of jail, the first time you spent a day in the Nation's capital. I drove your happy ass around Manhattan the first time you saw the NYC, and I watched you get on your first plane ride. I snuck you out of the hospital to smoke a cigarette the first time you ran your car into a tree... and I was the first one to hold your hand the second time you drove into a tree. I paid for your rent the first time you went to Russia and sat with you the first time you watched 'ET.' I taught you how to shovel your first pile of shit and pull your first espresso shot -- both vocational skills that have been somewhat important in our monetary gain.

But of all these firsts, the most important one is the one you provided me. You were my first best friend. Before you, I'd known quite a few people and had a great collection of crappy friends, and I really didn't know that I was deserving of better. You were the first one to tell me that I was worth more, and that it was ok to be a little different. You taught me that I was deserving of loyalty and devotion; that there were people out there who would care when I was hurt or scared. Since you, my entire life has changed -- I went from an insecure outsider with no good friends to being able to surround myself with the best friends a gal with big lips could ever have. My entire approach to making new friends is different because of you -- you taught me to expect and demand more. So, I guess I just wanted to say, 'Thanks, dude.'

And now that you've fixed me and made my life better, it is time to go out there and do the same for some other poor sap. I'm sure there is another at Middlebury who doesn't know what it is to have a good friend, and it would be just plain selfish not to educate her. This doesn't mean that you should forget about me as I am the most important person ever!!! But given my rank smell that lingers...I very much doubt that you ever will.
I heart you,
aids

P.S. why does emailing you always make me want to take a crap?"

things are great, please send monopoly money

Current mood:	hopeful
Current music:	the quiet buzzing of a fan in this hippy no-AC house

We just got into Vermont last night and I moved into the dorms today. The dorm is actually a massive sprawling house, and I have a single room that's HUGE!!! I saw another single room, and it was really tiny, so I'm hoping that they won't stick me with a roommate. But there's only furniture for a single occupant so I think I got lucky. However, I was a little freaked out because all day long NO ONE was here, and NO ONE was moving in. My mom and sister helped me unload, we had lunch, and they left. I was by myself all day in this huge house, wondering where everyone was and if I was even in the right house. Then I went to dinner tonight and there were a billion Russian students there, and I was thinking, "Where the hell did they all come from and how am I going to meet anyone if I live in a completely separate house all by myself?"

Apparently all the undergrads live in a huge dorm and have been getting to know each other all day, while I sat alone in my room arranging and rearranging the sparse furniture. I ate by myself in the corner because every table was full and, all in all, it was your quintessential teen-angsty bad lunchroom experience. I walked home from dinner blinking back tears of self-pity and wanting a nice stiff drink, when lo and behold! There's my saving grace: a girl with the biggest, longest curliest brown hair you've ever seen. I helped her unload her car, and she's awesome! She smokes, she knits, and she's going on the Moscow trip! I have a friend, you guys!!!

 Brackett House

My room

Middlebury!

 Gifford, where most of my classes are (and most of the undergrads live) 

 Vermont!

 More Middlebury.

 The library at night.

and so it begins

Current mood:	drained
Current music:	Nick Drake, Fly

I leave in 12 hours to go to a place I've never been, where I know no one, to attend the most intensive language program in the country and to begin working on my M.A. in Russian.  A few months ago, I remember being terrified that I wouldn't get in, because I didn't have a Plan B and then what would I do with my life? All I've wanted for over four years now is to go to Middlebury, and now it's happening. My academic year in Moscow is fully funded, but money will still be tight. It's all finally falling together, and now all I have to do is sit here and wait for it all to begin.

I'm excited to go to Moscow - at last! When I first received my aid letter for the academic year, I burst into tears of panic. Then my dad bought me the best guidebook EVER, and I couldn't put it down. My school will be right off the center of the city within walking distance from Tverskaya, the "main strip" of Moscow. My dorms are right on campus, so there will be no hour long commute by metro/trolleybus/foot every morning, like when I was in St. Petersburg. There are 2 metro stops right across the street from the dorms, and Mikkelson will be there for a week in October so I'll get to see a familiar face. Adrienne is going to try to come visit over winter break, since she may be able to get funding from Columbia to do research there (if not, her grandmother may pay for the trip). Then we'd finally be in Russia at the same time!!! She's writing her thesis on the flapper movement in Russia in the 1920s; leave it to her to find such an obscure topic.

I'm really sad to be leaving everybody, especially now that I know it's a permanent move. I know I'll remain in contact with my close friends, and I'll see everyone when I come back for a few weeks between the Vermont and Moscow sessions, but it's still contributing to my melancholia. Dave and I have been in contact every day since he left for Pennsylvania, which is comforting because I am terrified and he has a very calming presence about him. I don't know why we don't just give it up, though... it's highly unlikely that I'll live in Lawrence in the near or distant future. But it feels wrong to stop something when it's just beginning; abortive, if you will. Back in March, when we first went out, I kept telling myself that it was a bad idea to start anything with him. Now, at this most poignant juncture, I can admit that I was wrong then. I don't regret any of it at all.

Last night was a very interesting night. The manager at Qdoba composed a rap song based on my musings about Dave; Aaron "Shots?" Clark was bartending at the Pig and he made Kate, Mike, and I Sobaka shots; we ordered pizza, and ate on the back porch. Last Friday was awesome, too - Kate, Adrienne, and Sarah threw me a surprise going-away party, but the surprise part didn't work out so well for them. Nevertheless, it was a great party, complete with a burgled racist memorabilia poster and a noise citation/court date from the police. I'm gonna miss my peoples!!!