Cronus

"1.
We'll say, late at night, or just before it is dawn:
If only God knew how awful it is we'll feel,
surely, then, God wouldn't make us suffer as horribly as this.

Though, perhaps, after all, God doesn't know the whole of our tale.
Or, perhaps, after all, God is powerless, too,
or, perhaps, God is simply the God deep within us...

Yes, so deep within us, God is
what it is we'll suffer, as well.

2.
Brecht wrote, in old age, a little poem
about happiness, which, he confessed,
had eluded him all of his life.

And so he stated wryly, if pitifully:
It had better hurry up, at last,
if happiness, you know, is ever to be mine,

because, you see, so little time, of course, is left."

-Robert Mazzocco

Итак, вы воплощаете- Равновесие

"Вы — две грани одного. Вы тот, кто с легкостью идет по тонкой нити и не впадает в крайности. Вы — хранитель равновесия во всем. Это люди воплощающие Равновесие были идеальными неподкупными судьями, хранители пактов между странами и, конечно же, тонкой грани Добра и Зла. Вы легко строите отношения благодаря тому, что не впадаете в крайности и всегда чувствуете момент, когда ситуация теряет контроль. Ищите призвание там, где нужно хранить равновесие. Судебное дело, перевод языков, психиатрия и прочее. Наилучшие взаимоотношения с людьми, воплощающими Любовь, Веру, Мудрость, Порядок. Первым вы поможете не впадать в крайности, вторым сможете предугадывать обострение ситуаций, третьи смогут помогать Вам, четвертые смогут сохранить в порядке то, что вы попросите."

And now for something completely different...

This is from a diary entry written one week before I left Moscow, in May of 2006:

"Is this what Russia has done to me? Shamed me? Revealed me to myself in an entirely new light? I am a coward, I am a loner, I am socially awkward and can be quite rude - intentionally and unintentionally. I am selfish and cruel and judgmental. I am a raging alcoholic. I am of mediocre intellect. I am prone to vacillating and unpredictable bouts of self-confidence, during which I show myself as I truly am - goofy and happy - only about 10% of the time. Possibly less. Probably less."

Ahhhh.... self-castigation is masturbation.

How did they know???!!!

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
"Although you're well aware that common turpentine will remove most of the old finish on that heirloom bookcase, you can't stop yourself from drinking can after can of the delicious stuff."

they will see us waving from such great heights...

I've been reading through my old blog, astounded by my own naivety and lack of common sense. This posting from early 2005 made me really happy, for some reason:

"In English, the address is benedictxvi@vatican.va. In Italian: benedettoxvi@vatican.va. Email him [the new pope]. Tell him you're sorry he's not South or Latin American. Tell him that no matter how young he was at the time, no matter how oppressive and bullyish the Nazis may have been, no matter how short-lived his involvement, he should never have joined the Hitler Youth. Tell him about your great aunt's cataract surgery and your mailman's prostate cancer. Tell him that when no one's looking, you put your finger in weird places and then sniff it. Tell him that sometimes you don't even believe in God. Seriously, do it, tell him. You'll feel better. He's not going to read it anyway."

No? Not funny? Well, I guess the most important thing is to amuse yourself, right? I have the nagging feeling that me and myself would have been friends, way back when.

Then, I found this from 2004:

"I could be happy if I stayed here [in Kansas], I could find things to fill my life to make it worth something. And that's all that really matters: when I die, I want to know that my life was worth something. Maybe I just need to birth some babies; I have the hips for it anyway. Then I could be like all the other parents in the world who project their unattained dreams onto their offspring. I'll be all 'DAMN IT! You will study Russian! You will go to Russia!' I will groom them for Middlebury, and when they fail, I will give them an icy stare and say: 'You just didn't try hard enough.' Then I will birth another baby and try again. See, I have a Plan B."

No matter what your age, there's always a Plan B.

On Nietzsche...

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

All this is pondered anew as I listen to CKY's (Camp Kill Yourself) "Shopping Cart Theme" from the Jackass movie. So it goes without saying, there's no reason to take this post seriously.

By the way, I sometimes hate Nietzsche. If I hear one more goddamn upper-class angst-ridden teenage wannabe talk about how Nietzsche changed their life, I'm going to vomit in their face. I went through my Nietzsche phase, too. I get it, so let's move on.

In fact, my favorite quote of all time is:

"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music."

It's beautiful, it's perfect, it's the quintessential description of self for those who feel themselves to be chronically alienated from society.

That being said, there's only so much relevance to be found in syphilitic ravings. I will give them all the credit due, and no more. Tell me that one person changed your life, and I'll tell you that you're an empty vessel for those who are much stronger.

A View from the Porch in the Springtime

Trees droop like willows overdosing.
Storm clouds glide, backlit by a filmy gray lunar glow.
Have you noticed? The gods are hurling javelins across the sky.
Stella whines, nervous, and we laugh.
Driving rain cuts cylinders of light from streetlamps.
A lit cigarette arcs and dodges fat raindrops,
While Zeus grumbles and coughs.

Снова в Вермонте... конец близок...

И вот почему на русском пишу. С тех пор я сюда приехала, постоянно идет дождь. Да ничего, мне дождь нравится, но мне нужен перерыв время от времени. Странно, что это - мой третий и последний год здесь в Миддлберри. Неужели два года уже прошли?

На самом деле, здесь хорошо. Я чувствую себя, в этом году, более удобным. Я даже умею ловко говорить с людьми, которых я ненавижу. Я не нервничаю вообще, почему-то.

Мне нечего писать сейчас, я устала и только что сделала много домашнего задания, чтобы я завтра смогла свободно работать на диссертацию. Кстати, мое расписание в этом году - клево, просто говоря. По понедельникам и четвергам у меня занятие вечером 7-9, по 'Евгению Онегину.' Каждый день у меня урок 'Русская культура через язык' в час днем. Вот и все. Все остальное время - мое! Я сейчас читаю 'Мастер и маргариту,' и это уже моя любимая книга. Я даже не дочитала половину и уже знаю, что это прекрасно и всех других книг превосходит.

Молодцы, Булгаков!