It's 2:30am on a Saturday night/Sunday morning. I've been home for hours, I just can't sleep. My brain won't shut off.

Kate leaves on Tuesday. We got together tonight to celebrate Drew's birthday which, incidentally, is Dave's birthday. How did I not notice that before? I had a hard time remembering Dave's birthday because the date always seemed to belong to someone else but, at the same time, the date itself seemed intuitive. It's strange to remember that 5 years ago, in the park near the amphitheater, I made a stupid attempt to make Drew mine again. I was grotesquely deformed still, after the wreck, and was (of course) a little inebriated. Drew was gentlemanly but disinterested. He had, after all, diddled several of my friends since our break-up.

It's weird to hang out with him now. Even though I'm no longer deformed and have a semblance of self-confidence, I still remember that night in the park and feel ashamed and slighted. I suppose it served me right; I did dump him with no qualms or even a backward glance all those years ago. It wasn't that I stopped having feelings for him, it was just that I was too young to quell my desire to explore. I wasn't ready. And that night in the park, 3 years after our break-up and a few months after my car accident, when I was already so vulnerable and grasping, the quasi-rejection was too humiliating to forget. I guess I was looking in the wrong place for comfort.

There is still a tension there, an affection there... but it's different now. To this day, I have a hard time looking him in the eye, and I know it's because of that night. I can't forgive myself for emotionally exposing myself so acutely. I should have known better.


As it were, time knows better than any of us. Sitting near the amphitheater that night, making a perfect ass of myself, I didn't realize that the real love of my life was asleep in the little red house across the street. Strange, isn't it? Dave and I have been together for 3 years and we're still as strong and in love as we were at the brutal beginning of our relationship. There is no end in sight for us. He is my lover and friend, and no one can eclipse him.

That being said, when I realized that January 28th was the birthday of the two biggest loves of my life, it really freaked me out. Astrologists, rejoice! It's funny, a couple of times I thought that Dave rather reminded me of Drew. Now I realize that it could only have been the other way around - Drew must have reminded me of Dave, before Dave and I ever met.

saturday morning musings

It's weird to peruse the real estate listings and notice the rapidly growing number of speculator-owned properties. You can tell them by the single photograph (usually a grainy exterior shot) and an uninspired short description. Most real estate speculators travel in groups from auction to auction and buy houses without ever seeing the interiors.

There's one listing that does have a few photos of the interior, which was painted/wallpapered/carpeted a few decades ago. The whole house is empty, the carpet still imprinted with shadows of the old furniture. In one room, however, 3 pictures hang on the wall - side by side but slightly off-kilter, as if left in resigned defiance: these things remain in remembrance of us.

I can't say that I have an opinion on the government's assistance to victims of predatory lenders. Some call it socialist strong-arming, others call it superfluous assistance to impractical and undeserving buyers, but at least it will keep some families from becoming homeless. Isn't that just good public welfare, to protect citizens from the inevitable derogations of our capitalist system?