"A cow gave birth to a fire. She wanted to lick it, but it burned her. She wanted to leave it, but it was her child."
I've spent a great deal of time observing those of my friends who are parents, and those who are childless. I still have yet to decide, once and for all, for completely certain, if I want kids.
I always did, but that was before I realized how exhausting life is, without any additional complications and obligations. If I got pregnant, I would probably keep the baby. But I would always wonder, "What would it have been like if..." I guess the same would apply if I decided not to have children.
Lizi asked me when to expect the pitter-patter of little feet, or something of the sort. It kind of freaked me out - which is funny, because I'm constantly pestering my married friends to have more babies for me to play with. It's different when you can hand the child back and return to your quiet home.
My sister and I put our mother through perfect hell, especially considering her rather fragile constitution. This weekend I spent an entire day helping her with the realtor; we found her the perfect townhouse, went over all the paperwork... only to have her panic and decide that she didn't want to move after all. I was frustrated, but I don't think any less of her. I feel as though I know her better, actually. I want to take care of her, but I need to be sure not to trample her in the process. I can be a little forceful, it's true (who, me?). My brother makes everything so much more complicated; Mom needs to be careful about which choices she makes, since it doesn't affect only her. But that very responsibility is exactly what she resents. She's a devoted mother, and she would never run out on her duties. She loves my brother unconditionally; she spends her days full of anxiety for him.
It makes me wonder: should I have kids? My current family situation is already exhausting, and it's such a gamble. Will they be healthy, or will I end up with a disabled child who will still be dependent on me when I'm old? I know they all say, "This child is a blessing," and my brother is a sweet rare soul... but he's also a handful. He's now a child in a rather large adult's body, and hormonal on top of it all. He has a bad temper, and the only time his attention span is impressive is either when he's upset, or when he's playing video games.
I can see why Mom is so reluctant to rock the boat. Maybe I don't want to, either.