11 January, 2013

husbandisms during pregnancy

Overall, my husband has done a fantastic job of being supportive throughout this pregnancy, although he hasn't pampered me QUITE as much as I'd like... in fact, he believes me to be capable of a lot more than I'd prefer. For example, I'd rather he treat me as though I shouldn't lift so much as a box of cereal... but I wouldn't be surprised if he'd toss a 20-lb sack of potatoes at me (9 months pregnant and all).

The fact that I could probably handle a 20-lb sack of potatoes is not the point! I should be treated like a delicate flower, damn it!

That being said, he does pamper me from time to time (he hasn't been stingy with the foot rubs, to his credit!). But he has made some rather daring comments about the size of my ass (see Exhibit 1)...

Exhibit 2: 
I was dressing up for a holiday party, and was wearing a slinky black maternity dress that showed some cleavage and actually made me feel relatively attractive. But then I made the mistake of asking Will if the dress made my ass look ginormous.

He looked me up and down speculatively, and then replied: "Well, proportionally, no."

I couldn't help but squawk a bit. "So you're saying the rest of me is ginormous, too???"

He shrugged sheepishly: "It matches the rest of you! C'mon, it would look weird if your ass was the same size as before... it wouldn't match the rest of your body!"

I should have smacked him, but I'd brought it on myself, I suppose. That's what I get for even asking!!!

Exhibit 3:
Me, slightly whiny: "We need to go on a date! We're never going to have any romantic time together after the baby!"

Will, cheerfully ambivalent: "We're going to have LOTS of time together after the baby! We'll be together all the time! We don't need to spend extra time together now."

REALLY? Yes, but it won't be quality "couple time." There will be little time (or desire) for romance when we're armpits-deep in dirty diapers and spit-up. My husband lives in an alternate universe, I think.

Exhibit 4:
Me, slightly bitchy: "You're not going to be able to play that stupid video game as much after the baby comes, you know..." (I know this post is making me sound like a super grumpy wife, but I swear I'm quite pleasant 95% of the time).

Will, eyes glazed over after hours of gaming: "Of course I can! I'll comfort the crying baby in my left hand and play the game with my right hand!" (I think he was joking, but I'm just not sure...)

I think I've devised the perfect plan: if he plays his video games too much, then I'm going to get on http://www.partybingo.com/ and link it to his bank account (I'll tell him I prefer that site because it's British, the denominations are in pounds, and it makes me feel fancy). For every hour he plays his game, I'm going to play Party Bingo. I don't even know what Party Bingo is, but I will learn just to teach him a lesson.

Then again, if both of us are busy playing games online, who's going to watch the baby? Crap, I knew there was a fatal flaw in my plan.

Maybe I'll just hide the power cord to his computer...*

*Just to clarify: Will really has been kind of fantastic this whole pregnancy, these minor incidents notwithstanding... He even bought me a super fancy bottle of real Champagne as a push present! After this kid pops out, I'm going to drink it ALL by myself, straight from the bottle, with a crazy straw (because, again, I like to feel fancy).


Shooting Stars Mag said...

I'm glad he's been good most of the pregnancy! But sheesh, boys really do say the darndest things. THAT should be a show. ;)


DWei said...

Actually, exhibit 5 isn't too uncommon. There are tons of Dads who will have a baby in their lap and a controller in their hand.

Or the baby is slung in one of those carriers on their chest so they can use both hands. :P

L-Diggitty said...

LOL, I will make sure to tell him that it can be done!

Rio Prasetyo said...

great bingo. Hahahahahahaha

Jamie said...

Mmmmm. Champagne. You're speaking my language.


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